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18 oct. 2012

Eastern Seaboard Braces for the Dreaded Hurricane Rolandito





Eastern Seaboard Braces for the Dreaded Hurricane Rolandito


The National Weather Service has issued a hurricane warning for the eastern coast of the United States, including the densely-populated metropolitan areas of Philadelphia and New York City, effective immediately. The massive storm, dubbed “Hurricane Rolandito,” is being classified as a gigantic Category 5 monster with sustained winds in excess of an unprecedented 300 miles per hour. The “Mother of All Hurricanes” is expected to make landfall on Friday, October 19 at approximately 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, with the city of Philadelphia targeted as a direct hit. The storm is predicted to pound the City of Brotherly Love for three days before moving on with undiminished ferocity to The Big Apple.


Weather satellites have captured stunning photos of the oncoming storm, which appears as a swirling vortex of bananas, beer bottles, and charmingly-decorated boxer shorts. “Imagine all that underwear raining down on the heads of innocent Philadelphians," lamented President Barack Obama eloquently. “Ah, the humanity!” Concerned meteorologists have identified the disturbing image in the eye of the storm as the face of a man with an inexplicably merry, almost jubilant smile on his face. “Hey, that's what a Category 5 is like!” observed Chief Meteorologist and part-time snake-oil salesman, Mitt Romney. “All smiles on the surface but nothing but trouble! Ooops. Wait. I think I just described myself. Nevermind. Damn." Other scientists are attempting to determine if there is some correlation between the advent of the hurricane and the long-awaited return to the United States of opera superstar, Rolando Villazón, who will be singing the tenor role in Verdi’s “Requiem” precisely on the days of the storm.


Maestro Yannick “Cuddle Muffin” Nézet-Séguin, Director of the Philadelphia Orchestra, who will be conducting the Verdi classic, had this to say: “Why are you all looking at me like that? I had nothing to do with this situation. It’s just a coincidence about the “Requiem”…and...Villazón …. OK, fine, I'm guilty as charged! I should have known better than to invite that man. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m new to Philadelphia, and what have I done? This hurricane is packing an awesome wave at the curtain call, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it! Hurricane Rolandito will give 'Dies irae' new meaning! Woe is me!”


Residents, fearing the worst, are frantically stocking up on staples such as bread, milk, beer, and Rolando Villazón CDs. The Mayor of Philadelphia and the National Guard are urging residents to board up their windows and seek higher ground in advance of what is sure to be an epic storm surge. “Don’t be heroes, people,” the Mayor cautioned.  “No Philly cheese steak is worth it.” The Liberty Bell, an icon of American democracy, is being moved from Independence Hall to an undisclosed location (believed to be a bowling alley in Upstate New York) for safekeeping. “That bell's already got one big crack in it,” remarked the Mayor. “The last thing we need is to have it shattered by some opera guy howling 'Ingemisco' at the top of his lungs."


Other prominent Philadelphians weighed in about the upcoming Apocalypse.


Rocky “Boom Boom” Balboa: “Me? I’m staying. I want to tell my grandchildren that I was here when Hurricane Rolandito came.  We Americans love a fight, inside the ring or out. A pepperoni pizza (extra large) and a few six-packs of beer should get me through this. Plus that new 'Don Giovanni' recording. "Il mio tesoro...la la la."


Betsy “I’m All Thumbs” Ross: “Hey, I made the first American flag, so if I want to add the face of Rolando Villazón to it, I will, damn it. So what are going to do, sue me?”


Benjamin “Slim” Franklin chimed in, “Never will American courage be so tested since the great War of Independence. The events of the coming days will demand a new amendment to The Constitution, sure to be upheld by the Supreme Court, to wit: “The citizens of the United States are guaranteed the right to freedom from natural disasters as perpetrated by opera singers, rockstars or otherwise. We are, therefore, justified in reserving the right to detain Rolando Villazón in the United States of America until such a time that he has answered fully for his actions. Note that the process could take years to resolve, what with the legal system being what it is. Not to mention the awesome fan base headed this way. Have you seen those people?”


Stay tuned to this channel for eyewitness reports of the storm’s aftermath. Survivors, if any, will hopefully arise from the rubble to be interviewed, their piteous tales of woe documented for all to behold and lament.


Until then, good luck, Philadelphia and New York City. You’ll need it.

Joanna from New York

20 comentarios:

  1. Ja, ja, ja! The moment I saw the title I knew it was Joanna from New York! What a hurricane to embrace, isn't it? Nice try to detain him for years until he will sing his actions... Enjoy his presence, Joanna, his singing and his unique charm!

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    1. Renate, I think it only fair that we Americans use every means at our disposal, including the full force of the Constitution and Supreme Court to keep Rolando here. Whatever it takes!

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    2. What a very funny and entertaining story,Joanna.
      I like it very much and I wish you a wonderful evening - please be careful not to be drowned in his all-embracing performance!

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    3. Believe me, Joanna, I totally understand you. I panicked reading some rumors about Rolando taking over the position of Seattle artistic director...it was on a forum and I literally panicked. The idea of he leaving Europe was terrifying... And our European Court of Justice would not help. Not the European Court of Human Rights although I can see myself going their to defend our human right to have Rolando in Europe!! I can only imagine how sad this is for his admirers from many Latin American countries as well.

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    4. Thanks, Gemma, I'm bringing my raincoat and umbrella, but I don't think they'll help much.

      Yes, Renate, I can see that this whole issue of who has legal rights to Rolando will have to be taken up by the world court at the Hague. This has gotten bigger than all of us.

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  2. Pido encarecidamente a los científicos de la NASA que hagan lo posible por guiar el curso del Huracán Rolandito hacia las costas de la Argentina. También le vamos a pedir cuenta de lo actuado y no lo vamos a dejar que se vaya tan facilmente¡¡¡ Joanna: esperamos tus relatos. Susana.

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    1. So far we have the World Court and NASA involved in deciding Rolando's whereabouts. What next, the Vatican?

      If I survive, there will be a report.

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  3. Excellent Joanna !
    on ne doit pas être loin de la vérité !
    mais svp rendez nous le rapidement !
    en attendant très belles soirées à NY et Philadelphie !

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    1. Thank you, Jacqueline, I anticipate two very special concerts in Philly!

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  4. Bravo Joanna,la prose toujours aussi drôle,dense ,ébouriffante.
    Tempête de rires dès le matin ;quel régal !
    Pour l'ouragan Rolando mille bravos .
    Viva Villazón.

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    1. Thank you, Claudine and viva Hurricane Rolandito!

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  5. ah, ha, Joanna, mais attention l'ouragan Rolandito ne fait que passer, et sera bientôt de retour en Europe. Il est hors de question de le laisser sévir au US trop longtemps !!! We need Rolandito !!!! nous en avons un besoin crucial !!
    Enjoy this fabuleux requiem avec Rolando et Yannick Nezet Seguin, un extraordinaire chef d'orchestre qui m'a fait une très forte impression.

    Et surtout Joanna, n'oublie pas de nous faire part de tes impressions du concert, nous les attendons avec impatience.

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    1. Yes, Danièle, I could never forget to report back to all the loyal villazonistas who have given those not able to be in attendance the chance to enjoy some of the experience! I have read all of your chronicles for so long with great interest and, at last, the mission is mine!

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  6. Catherincita19/10/12 12:32

    Le plus "délicieux" des ouragans : notre Rolandito !!
    Les européens acceptent de le "prêter" pour quelques jours, mais, chers amis américains, dearest Joanna -(many thanks for your chronicle)- il ne sera pas possible de vous LE laisser car il nous manque déjà.
    Par contre, nous accepterons avec plaisir de recevoir les bulletins météorologiques avec régularité durant cet épisode de la carrière de notre cher Rolando : THE KING !

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    1. Ha, ha, Catherine, I promise you we will take very good care of Rolando while he is here. According to the news, American democracy will yield to the monarchy of King Rolando.

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  7. Joanna, at last you have "The mission". Enjoy and give us your view on our beloved Rolando's performances in the US. We will cherish it and of course, laugh with your witty and lovely chronicles.
    Love.

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  8. Dear Joanna, so nice and fun to read you again, finally you can use that apocalypse shelter in the Hamptons. Good luck, dear prepper, the day has come. Be sure to have a good supply of Chardonnay.

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  9. Janet from Massachusetts,
    Another fabulous post, Joanna! Wow, tonight you hear Rolando live for the first time — a big milestone in any music lover's life!! Enjoy, Enjoy!! I'll be at the Carnegie Hall concert on Tuesday and will report on that. So I think we've got all four Requiem performances covered!
    This week, the famous "New Yorker" Magazine announced this concert as a must-see, not only for Yannick Nezet-Seguin's first appearance as the Philadelphia Orchestra's new music director, but equally "for the return of the passionate tenor Rolando Villazón after a three-year absence from New York." So we haven't forgotten him in the USA!!

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  10. Oh Joanna, I've just read it. The metaphor is perfect-- it's fabulous. So... Mitt is chief meteorologist and part-time snake-oil salesman?! LOVE IT! You're special. Thanks so much.

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