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6 dic. 2012


composición: Joanna

Verdi Contest Runs Amuck When Contestants Challenge Judges

The first ever Giuseppi Verdi Look-Alike Contest went sadly awry when contestants became unruly following what they insisted was bias on the part of the judges. The event, sponsored by Deutsche Grammophon Records to commemorate the 200th birthday of the venerated composer, drew hundreds of contestants, including rock stars, heads of state, and the winners of this year’s New York State Chili Cook-off, all vying for the coveted title that one man, and only one, would claim.

The unanimous winner in this year's event was star tenor Rolando Villazón, who exhibited a particularly jaunty flair in Verdi's signature top hat and scarf. Upon the announcement of the winner, a loud cheer erupted, with shouts of “Viva Rolando!” “You da man!” and “Rolandito rules!” shaking the rafters of Rocco’s Tavern and Pool Hall, the site of the evening’s gala festivities.

Several contestants were not as impressed with the results of the contest, demanding a recount of the votes. Among the most vociferous were Aztec Emperor Montezuma II, Kermit the Frog, and perennial cry-baby, Attila the Hun.

Mr. Hun threatened to sack, pillage, and otherwise vex in the extreme the Deutsche Grammophon headquarters in Berlin unless the verdict was overturned in his favor. “Marauding and plundering are great and everything—don’t get me wrong. But this award is all I ever really wanted in my life,” he whined. “Nobody loves me! Fine, I hate you all!” he bellowed, stamping his foot, then storming off in a huff.

Another sore loser was Emperor Montezuma, normally sweet-tempered and affable, who raged, “Award me this prize, or you will feel the wrath of Montezuma's revenge! You and your pathetic bowels will be begging for death after those three days of living hell!”

It should be duly noted that this threat produced a palpable shudder amongst those in attendance, particularly the Americans.

Perhaps the most disturbing remarks came from another loser, Kermit the Frog, long known for his sociopathic tendencies and hair-trigger personality. “Villazón, first you rob me of ‘Rainbow Connection,’ and now this!” he seethed, his left eye twitching with barely-concealed rage. “That song was MY hit, and you tore it away from me. It was all that kept me from the pit of existential darkness. Oh, the agony!” wailed the tortured creature, consumed by the dark deed, the very thought of which made his amphibious blood boil. “And now this! Villazón, you…go…too…far!”

At the center of this firestorm was the panel of judges, which consisted of a veritable "Who's Who" of glitterati and celebrities, including the exalted lunch ladies of St. Olaf’s High School in Rochester, New York. The last group, notorious for its unflinching brutality whether it comes to slinging mystery meat on the plates of young scholars or writing scathing reviews of garden club shows, gave Mr. Villazón an unprecedented perfect score, citing his “je ne sais quoi,” which made them positively giddy.

Mr. Villazón attempted to assuage the wrath of the losers, offering a signed copy of his smash hit CD “Villazón Verdi” to one and all. "Hooray, I'll be first in my cell-block with this baby!” rejoiced Ms. Typhoid Mary, who is seeking parole from the New York State Board of Corrections after her conviction for coughing in the presence of Mr. Villazón, a felony in New York State. Even Mr. Hun melted at the gesture, cooing, “Aw, Roli, I can’t stay mad at you.”

Deutsche Grammophon Records, in the spirit of good sportsmanship and generosity, handed out t-shirts to the lucky throng, noting that the wildly-popular “Rolando is My Homeboy” t-shirts were being superceded by new shirts bearing the blazing hot new affirmation, “Rolando is My Playboy,” all this much to the delight of the lunch ladies of St. Olaf’s.

Emperor Montezuma and Kermit the Frog remained unimpressed with the gesture, vowing to exact revenge upon the unsuspecting tenor. “Just wait for the Wagner Look-Alike Contest next year! We’ll see who’s top dog then!”

Mr. Villazón could not be reached for comment, although unconfirmed reports are circulating that he was last seen franticly running down the streets of Turin, hotly pursued by the lunch ladies of St. Olaf’s, who were enthusiastically waving at him and shouting his name. One bystander witnessed the tenor scrambling up a trellis to elude the shy maidens, all the while crying, “Hey, whose idea was this ‘Playboy’ thing, anyway? Take back this darned red satin suit before somebody hurts me! It was just for fun, I swear…!”


(Delicious, thank you very much, Joanna!)

26 comentarios:

  1. Catherincita6/12/12 9:40

    Une fois encore, pour notre plus grand plaisir, Joanna a mis son magnifique talent d'écrivain au service de ... Rolando. Quelle verve !quelle imagination débordante !Quelle drôlerie !
    La chronique fourmille d'allusions aux évènements récents et celles relatives au concurrent malheureux, Kermit,en particulier, m'ont fait pleurer de rire.
    J'adore la conclusion qui évoque "the red satin suit" qui a fait coulé beaucoup d'encre.
    C'est certain, pour Rolando le porter sur scène durant sa tournée serait terrrrrriblement dangereux.....
    The winners are :


    1. Thank you, Catherincita! Yes, I hope Rolando takes out extra life insurance if he wears that suit on tour. Don't say we didn't warn you, Rolando!

    2. I like the suit, too-- it's very artistic. I finally have my Verdi CD, and I can see that he actually has two red suits-- one made of a shiny material, and the other a plaid! I love the colors-- I think they're beautiful. There's a bright blue shirt under the plaid, too.
      Life insurance?! Poor Rolando!

  2. Oh Joanna, this is really funny-- the absurdity of a look-alike contest that's hotly contested! And your three contestants (who are hotly contesting), are hilarious. Surprise is a big deal in comedy. Who would have guessed.
    Love this line (among many): "It should be duly noted that this threat produced a palpable shudder amongst those in attendance, particularly the Americans."
    And I love it that Typhoid Mary went to jail-- life sentence should be handed down to anyone who dares to give a "bug" to Rolando. Truly.
    You are a writer, Joanna-- I hope you're dreaming dreams of writing for Saturday Night Live! You should be.

    1. Thanks, Leone! You mention Saturday Night Live--I would LOVE to see Rolando as a host for SNL. He'd blow our heads off. I'll give my buddy, Lorne Michaels a call.

    2. It's funny, but I've been thinking Rolando should host SNL, too. Hmmm, maybe we should start a campaign.

    3. Of course, American audiences wouldn't recognize him at first--but after SNL, America would be wild for Rolando and opera!

  3. Quel talent, quel sens de l'humour et de l'observation.
    Many thanks , merci beaucoup Joanna, pour cette nouvelle chronique qui nous met en forme pour la journée car le rire est souverain !!!

    1. Thank you, Danièle, so are so right: "le rire est souverain." Amen to that!

  4. J'ai commencée ma lecture ,brusquement j'ai compris que Joanna était l'auteur de ce délire ...
    Quelle imagination pleine de drôleries .Vous nous faites passer de bons moments .
    A quand un recueil de tous vos écrits ,pour les jours de cafard quel antidote magique .Merci

    1. Thank you, Claudine! Yes, I think humor keeps us from going stark, raving mad.

  5. AgenteGDL6/12/12 15:22

    El Verdadero nombre del último Señor de Tenochtitlan era Moctezuma Xocoyotzin ó "Moctezuma el Joven". "Montezuma" es una cómoda adaptación para los Angloparlantes. Cuyo trato hacia a los nativos americanos es ampliamente conocido.

    Para los aztecas no existia el título "Emperador", era tal el poder y la magnificencia de sus dominios que ese fue el único título que les vino a la mente a los Españoles. El verdadero de título del Señor Moctezuma es Huey Tlatoani ó "Gran Señor"

    La Imagen del post está un poco equivocada aqui está el retrato oficial.

    Por cierto, su corona ó penacho se encuentra en poder del Gobierno Austriaco y Exhibida en un Museo en Viena. El cual no han querido devolver a pesar de las múltiples peticiones. Este es su auténtico "Sombrero".

    Nota artística, las plumas del penacho son de Quetzal, una ave prácticamente invisible que vive en las selvas de centroamerica. El ave solo desarrolla 1 ó 2 plumas de esa longitud en su edad adulta, aqui una de las pocas fotos.

    Una cosa es conquistar a un pueblo y otra someter a los vencidos a cambio de nombre y hacerlos caricatura.

    1. Agente, thank you for the fascinating and informative history lesson. It is highly likely that I will soon be hearing from the descendents of Attila, the Hun, whom I have also drawn in caricature. They will, no doubt, make clear to me in no uncertain terms that his name was not "Attila the Hun," but simply "Attila." I can see that I will have hell to pay. Pardon me, I must go. I just got a phone call from the attorneys for the Muppets, who are suing me for defamation of character.

  6. Ahhh, Agente, pues... que sepas que...

    El Verdadero nombre de Kermit the Fros es exactamente este, aunque también se la conoce por Caco, Sapo, Rana René, Rana Gustavo o Kamel.

    Para los niños que ven dibujos, tiene exactamente el nombre que le dan en su país, intenta a explicar a un niño español que se llama Kermit y no Gustavo.

    La imagen del post está un poco equivocada, ella nunca ha llevado ese ridículo sombrero, aquí está el retrato oficial:

    Por cierto, que el collar de fieltro verde que lleva alrededor del cuello se encuentra en poder del Pergamonmuseum, en la Isla de los Museos de Berlín, que no ha querido devolverlo porque les sirve de fregona para dar lustro al Altar de Pérgamo, y las otras no le sacan tanto brillo a los mármoles.

    Nota artística: el fieltro del que está elaborado Kermit es una técnica milenaria cuya materia prima es la lana de oveja, utilizado desde la Prehistoria. Se trata del primer material textil creado por el hombre, mucho antes de aprender a tejer o hilar, y es que hasta entonces solo se vestía con cueros, pieles y lana. O sea, que es mucho más antiguo que los penachos de plumas de gallináceas.

    1. Thank you, Teresa, for this important clarification on the subject of Kermit's scarf. There have been many heated debates on the subject of the scarf and its mysterious origins, but I believe yours to be the definitive account. May I include this piece in my upcoming scholarly tome, "The Seven Sartorial Wonders of the World"? One chapter will, of course, be devoted to Rolando's lucky boxer shorts.

  7. AgenteGDL6/12/12 15:50

    Lo dudo querida Teresa, las Aves fueron primero que los Mamiferos. Los Dinosaurios tenían plumas preciosas. No creo que sea este el foro adecuado para consideraciones Darwinianas. Más bien Freudianas.

    Que bueno que defiendas a la Rana Kermit contra las deformaciones históricas.

    !Justicia para los Oprimidos¡

  8. A genius, that is what you are, dear Joanna. Very witty and entertaining !
    Please go on doing this; you spoil us and give us such fantastic jolly moments. Promise, you do this at least one a month ! or even more. Never ending fun !
    Thanks a lot, a lot, a lot !

    1. Thank you, Mariù, it is my pleasure to "spoil" you.

  9. Ah, Joanna. You brighten my day :) I always knew Kermit had a dark side!

  10. Fernanda7/12/12 0:27

    Hahaha, Me imagino a Rolando corriendo y gritando al mismo tiempo mientras es perseguido por mujeres emocionadas y simplemente no puedo parar de reír.
    I´m so sorry por los demás participantes, especialmente por Kermit, pero era lo justo, ganó el mejor hehehe.
    Está genial el post Joanna, siempre me sorprende tu creatividad y buen humor!

    1. Thank you, Fernanada, yes, Kermit took the whole thing very badly. He stayed behind at Rocco's Tavern to drown his sorrows with Attila. They are now the best of friends.

  11. As always, Joanna, I need to surf on Internet for understanding everything, each word and expression in your fantastic comment. It is so rich, and full of things unknown to me. All its details are worth investing time.

    1. Thanks so much, Eléonore. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

  12. Querido Agente,
    Como una admiradora del arte mexicano que me incanta desde la infancia, leí con gran interes tu comment. Colecciono obras sobre Mexico y su arte, et mi también conocía antes el nombre de Moctezuma como Montezuma. En todas mis lecturas (no sólo en inglés) sobre este tema apareció bajo este nombre. Es solo en estos últimos años que se puede leer el nombre auténtico. En 2009-2010, la exposición del British Muzeum fue dedicada a Moctezuma y también el Museum für Völkerkunde en Viena mentiona el nombre Moctezuma.

    La nueva exposición con el penacho esta abierta desde el 15 de Noviembre!

    1. AgenteGDL7/12/12 22:19

      Querida Eleonore, gracias por el comentario. Si te gusta el arte indígena mexicano, aqui tienes una muestra de algo asi como "Arte Indígena moderno"

      Como es de esperarse, también va a terminar en exhibición permanente en Alemania.