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25 feb. 2013

Star Tenor Throws Caution to the Wind at Frigid Niagara Falls

image: Joanna

Star Tenor Throws Caution to the Wind at Frigid Niagara Falls

Daredevil tenor Rolando Villazón dazzled an audience of 50,000 shivering spectators when he decided to take the death-defying plunge down Niagara Falls in nothing more than an old whiskey barrel. This feat, which has been attempted only twenty times in history, and only twice successfully, beckoned to Mr. Villazón in his recent trip to nearby Toronto, Canada, where he recently participated in the Tenth Glenn Gould Prize Jury.

The star tenor, coming off of a stunning triumph in the title role of Mozart’s Lucio Silla during the Mozartwoche Festival in Salzburg, Austria, understandably exhibited the air of steely invincibility that is essential in attempting such a dangerous task.

The singer had initially thought to cross the span between the American and Canadian sides of the Falls on a tightrope, but decided that the trick was for babies.

Reporters from the Toronto press corps, aghast at the bold attempt, questioned the tenor about what could possibly induce him to risk life and limb to go down the Falls in a barrel, particularly in the dead of winter, dressed only in his overalls and a top hat.
Mr. Villazón explained that he was conducting research for a new directorial project, Così fan tutte in a Barrel, set to debut at next year’s Mozartwoche. The sparkling opera, loosely based on the classic Mozart comedy, tells the story of forbidden love set during the Prohibition Era against the backdrop of one of the natural wonders of the world. The tenor will take on the lead role of Ferrando “Moonshine” Jones, who smuggles illicit brew across the U.S.--Canadian border in his pa’s whiskey barrels whilst audaciously wooing heartless vixen, Dorabella from Hella, the daughter of his sworn enemy, Special Agent Eliot “Cupcake” Ness, all this under the clever guise of performing the stunt for gullible tourists.

Having survived the perilous dive, the tenor was accorded the high distinction of being named an honorary member of the prestigious Royal Canadian Mounted Police by the Mayor of Toronto. The new Mountie, an admittedly inexperienced horseman, regrettably found himself tossed by his spirited steed into an especially large snow drift, which was created by the third blinding blizzard to hit the city within the hour. The tenor, accustomed to transforming challenges into triumphs, seized the opportunity to make a snow angel, which won the grand prize at Toronto’s Annual Snow Angel Contest. The award—a staggering year’s supply of premium hockey pucks—could hardly have been bestowed on a more grateful winner.
The prized hockey pucks came in very handy when the tenor recognized that no trip to Canada would be complete without a whirl at the country’s national sport and, many would say, religion: ice hockey. Mr. Villazón acknowledged that this was his first time in ice skates, which may account for the fact that, upon being checked into the boards with unusual vehemence by a burly, ill-tempered opponent, he found himself catapulted into the crowd, where he happily signed autographs and sang “Oh, Canada” for the delighted throng.

As if he hadn’t impressed the citizens of Canada enough, the tenor astonished one and all with his skill in the art and science of moose-calling, in which he thoroughly excelled. Soon dubbed “The Moose Whisperer” by awe-stricken Canadians, Mr. Villazón demonstrated his uncanny ability to lure the gentle giants out of their wilderness habitats into the bustling streets of cosmopolitan Toronto. In spite of the admiration expressed by the general populace, the Mayor respectfully requested that Mr. Villazón curtail this activity, what with how messy the moose are and all. 
“Is there anything Canadian that man can’t do, eh?” wondered the bedazzled Torontonians. “That man’s a Canadian through and through! Can we keep him here? There must be a way! Somebody grab his passport and stamp a maple leaf in it!” Enthusiastic fans were seen pursuing Mr. Villazón through Toronto International Airport, but the tenor cleverly avoided capture by pretending to be part of a group of elderly monks visiting from Tibet.

It should be noted that this is the second attempt in a matter of months that North Americans have attempted (unsuccessfully) to detain the tenor on this side of the Atlantic. Readers will recall that in October of 2012, Mr. Villazón narrowly escaped a brazen plot concocted by a group of over-zealous Americans who very nearly held him captive at Independence Hall in Philadelphia “for his own good.”
Rumors continue to swirl that the tenor is entertaining an offer from the city of Toronto to build him his own opera house and make him its artistic director. The star is reported to have been extremely impressed with the city and country as a whole, but the proximity of Toronto to upstate New York has given the tenor serious misgivings, what with the reputation that persists that the residents of the region are not altogether in their right minds when it comes to their admiration of his talents, nor, as many would say, in their right minds at all, for that matter.

More on this story as it becomes available.


15 comentarios:

  1. Catherincita25/2/13 11:16

    Je pense avoir compris l'essentiel de ce récit mouvementé des aventures pittoresques de notre "dearest Rolando", mais un point reste obscur :
    Where is he ? Je doute qu'il soit resté avec les moines du Tibet; alors faut-il lancer un avis de recherche, comme certaines villazonistas l'ont déjà fait dans un passé récent ou bien faut-il proposer une rançon ?
    Plus sérieusement : Many thanks dear Joanna for your great report et Muchas Gracias, querida Teresa pour ton illustration géniale : je connaissais les dons de funambule de Rolando ...mais pas ceux de sportif de "haut niveau"...

  2. Sorry, sorry, sorry... I have forgotten to write the autor in the funny photo: is also Joanna !

    1. Catherincita25/2/13 12:04

      Bravissima Joanna !!!

    2. Thank you, Catherincita! As it happens, the Tibetan monks are big fans of Rolando in all of his manifestations, especially Rapping Rolando. Those monks know how to rock and party. It is unlikely that they will give Rolando up anytime soon. Yes, the monks have demanded an outrageous sum for the return of Rolando. Otherwise, they will keep him and designate him the next Dalai Lama, a position that, nonetheless, comes with many obvious benefits.

      As far as Rolando's athletic abilities, we have only seen the tip of the iceberg: roller derby? championship mud-wrestling? Where will it end?

  3. En débutant ma lecture ,j'étais déjà persuadé que cette aventure délirante était la prose de Joanna .
    Merci de tant de délires ,ça fait un bien fou de rire aux éclats .
    La salopette et le haut de forme bravo Térésa ,imagination fertile .
    Commencer la semaine ainsi ,ne présage que du plaisir a venir ...

  4. Pardon ,je viens de voir que l'image est aussi de Joanna ...
    Térésa vous nous avez montré maintes fois vos talents .
    Joanna l'écharpe de Verdi dans cette eau glaciale ,il faut protéger la gorge précieuse de Rolando :o)))

    1. Thank you, Claudine, I'm glad you liked it!

  5. Joanna, I don't want to see footage of him going over the falls. But I'd like to hear him "moose call." Who is composing Cosi Fan Tutte in a Barrel? I'd like to write the libretto for that, maybe he'll consider me. Joanna, this is hilarious. Before he considers taking a job in Toronto, however, I think he should consider following Speight Jenkins, and apply for artistic director at Seattle Opera. That would be daunting, but not as scary as going over the falls in a barrel!

    1. Oh, Leone! If only you could have heard Rolando's moose call! If only! Like none other I've ever heard! As far as who is composing the music for the new Cosi, well, I'm not supposed to know this, but let's just say that "Rappin' Rolando" could have something to do with it.

  6. Je viens juste de découvrir cette nouvelle aventure de Rolando par Joanna.
    Je suis toujours très admirative de son imagination, et de sa prose délirante et drôle !!!
    Many thanks Joanna, you are so funny !!

    1. Thank you so much, Danièle! I am so glad you liked it!

  7. Hola Villazonistas soy Merce, no podriais traducir un poquito y asi nos enterariamos de algo,porque supongo que deve ser divertido lo que contais.Un abrazo para todos

    1. Hola Merce, el relato fantástico de Joanna no se puede resumir en pocas frases, bueno, si se puede, pero perdería su gracia. Yo te recomiendo que utilizes el traductor que hay en la columna derecha. La traducción no será ni mucho menos perfecta, pero te podrás hacer una idea.

    2. Thank you, Merce! I defer to Teresa's kind comment.

    3. Thank you, Teresa, for your gracious words and for posting my adventures of Rolando here. The pleasure is definitely mine!

      Rolando's sense of joy is always an inspiration for me. Viva Rolando!